Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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