i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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