i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Floor bacon is actually really good
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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