Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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