If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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