your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
