You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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