If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize