fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
