I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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