My boss' voice literally gives me gas
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
