I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Plan B is the new Plan A
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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