I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize