it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
