i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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