and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
