Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
