I'd wear matching sweaters with you
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
handjob tips. give me some.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
