How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize
