update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
