is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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