Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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