Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
