if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
