the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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