If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
