Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize