Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
