I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
