dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
