yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
