nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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