Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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