I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
