please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Oh god it's open bar.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
