My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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