dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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