did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
