you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
