her vagine was all disorganized.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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