remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
