I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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