The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
