He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
