I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
two words...techno handjob
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
