i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
