now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
