you guys were way drunker than both of me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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