I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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