my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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