"it" just moved
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
