I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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