Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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