Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
