and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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