A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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