so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
