i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You can't just leave with hair like that
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
